KENL News From Around the World

Man, I haven't posted in like a month and a half.  My new "schedule" isn't working very well...
I know this is a bit long, but posting it one story at a time also wasn't working.

We will start our program tonight with a flood of poodles in Seattle, Washington.  The poodles came from far and wide, some even rumored to have come from Texas.  One in particular had a distinct Redneckistanian accent, but tried not to show it.  The poodles that came from the ocean decided to grow fish tails and live in the Everglades.  But the rest of the poodles seemed dazed, just hanging around until someone came to take them to a poodle shelter in Kansas.  The Kansans liked the poodles, and they soon had all found good homes.

Meanwhile, those in Southern Florida found polar bear fur on the teeth and scales of alligators in the Everglades.  The polar bears were thought to have escaped from the zoo, since there wasn’t anywhere else for polar bears to come from and survive the exposure to the heat.  However, it is unclear how the polar bears fell prey to the alligators, since it seems more likely the alligators would be eaten by the bears.  There is a suspect in the case, who is thought to have shot the bears down.  The man, Howard McGoo, will be arrested for bringing a gun into a national park and shooting animals that were obvious zoo property.  In a suspect lineup, the remaining polar bear recognized McGoo immediately as the man who shot the bear’s friends.  McGoo will be facing 10 years in jail: 5 for the gun, and 5 for the bears.

In Mongolia, all the cats ganged up and attacked a fire hydrant factory, so that the dogs would slowly die out.  However, the cats failed to remember the hundreds of hydrants around the city, and so failed in their quest to take over the world.  But really, who knows what their true quest is?  Maybe they also want the universe.  Or just want peace.  Either way, to them, dogs have apparently got to go.

Recently, all the jackals in South Africa were forced to the tip of the continent by angry farmers who were tired of the jackals stealing their livestock. The jackals have been caged on one side, with knowledge that the only escape would be to jump into the ocean.  And everyone knows that jackals can’t swim.  But it seems these jackals are trying to learn.  Yesterday, a boatman reported seeing one jackal pulling another out of the water.  The one in the water was waterlogged and unconscious.  Gates will now have to be put around the water side of the tip of Africa, but the funds will prevent this until someone sees a wet jackal crawling out of the ocean.

And now, it’s time for the weather.  Today was sunny and raining.  Yesterday was raining, but the rain was made out of tree sap.  This is thought to be the result of many trees exploding after being struck by lightning.  Tomorrow, it is expected to snow profusely, and the high will be around 70°.  The day after that, the high will be 16° and the low 45°.  The snow from the previous day will have frozen into ice, resulting in a slippery fun zone for the kids.  Time to break out the ice skates!

A pair of bears recently tried to raid a nudist colony.  No one was hurt, except this one girl who had her eyes closed and ran into a wall.  Everyone said they got a huge scare until they realized it was just a bear and not the weird neighbor across the street.  They were still scared, but not as much.  The reasons for the bear attacking were unclear, but it is thought that the bear simply couldn’t spell, and thought that there was another “bare” in the building.

In sports, the platypuses played basketball against the dolphins in the ocean around Indonesia.  The dolphins won, but maybe the platypuses would have won on their home court.  Also, hounds played ferals at wrestling in the forest around the Sahara.  Hounds won in 9 of the 10 matches.  In the 5^th match, the hound competing had to drop out of the competition for excessive pre-game injuries.  The hounds could not find a replacement on such short notice, so had to forfeit to the ferals.

Our last story is about a snake that terrorized townspeople in Prague.  This snake escaped from its holding pen that was rather stupidly placed next door to a nuclear reactor.  The reactor has been slowly feeding the snake for 11 years, and now the snake is the size of a 200-story building, and breathes fire.  I think it’s mad.  We are now attempting to find some way to tame this snake, without destroying the reactor.  So far, no conclusion has been reached, but we’ll think of something eventually!  We are working to keep the snake in Prague right now, so that it won’t terrorize the rest of the world.

That’s it for KENL news, so watch out for snakes and good night!

KENL News of Animals Around the World Pt. 1

(This is one story from a whole thing I wrote in 8th grade.  I will be posting further installments every so often for some time.)

        We will start our program tonight with a flood of poodles in Seattle, Washington.  The poodles came from far and wide, some even rumored to have come from Texas.  One in particular had a distinct Redneckistanian accent, but tried not to show it.  The poodles that came from the ocean decided to grow fish tails and live in the Everglades.  But the rest of the poodles seemed dazed, just hanging around until someone came to take them to a poodle shelter in Kansas.  The Kansans liked the poodles, and they soon had all found good homes.

More coming!

P.S. I won't be posting for about 3 weeks because I will be on vacation so don't bother checking back until the end of August. 

America the...

So, I don't know who agrees or doesn't, but I think America the Beautiful is better suited for our national anthem.  What would other countries think of a country whose anthem is about a war?  Actually, now that I think about it, a lot of countries have anthems about war.  But the majority of our country's people can't even sing the entire thing easily.  The average range of the human voice is about 2 octaves, and I'm pretty sure the Star-Spangled Banner is about 3.  America the Beautiful is a wonderful song about how lovely our country really is, and it was made after our country was fairly complete.  I know it's a little late to change an anthem, but it just seems best...

Update!

I know I’ve been a little irregular with my posts, like posting three in a week and then not posting for three months.  So I’ve decided to start posting a little more regularly.  I’ll try to set a particular day that I’ll post on every week or two.  I’ve almost always got something to write about, I just forget.  With a new system like this, I won’t forget to post this stuff.  So yeah, this update post will be like my shortest one ever, but there will be more to make up for it.  If you'rer a regular reader of my stuff, you're probably annoyed by my lack of posts.  I hope to change that.  Not everything I do will be its own post; one of the things I'll do is post Nakajet images.  But just check once every week or two and I'll probably have something new!

The Nakajet

Okay, I’m finally going to get this post up.  Unfortunately, I don’t have pix yet, but if I put the rest of the blog up I’m more likely to remember to get the pictures I need.

       This paper airplane design is one I thought up somewhere around a year ago.  For one reason or another, we didn’t have much to do in Band that day, so some of the percussion guys and I started making paper airplanes and throwing them at each other.  None of the designs they had made work very well if you just fling them, which is what the guys were doing, along with wondering why I could get the airplanes to go farther.  I knew exactly two designs: the really simple jet that everyone learns in elementary school (which we already had one of), and a really good airplane of a design that a lot of people learn in middle school.  Not many actually know what it’s called, but it’s a Nakamura Lock.  The latter is the one I like better, so I made one.  Turns out that it doesn’t like being flung.  It works best with a slowish throw.  I’m not exactly the most original/knowledgeable person when it comes to paper airplane design, so I decided to combine the two.  Whaddaya know, it worked.  And it goes really far with a really hard throw, as long as you don’t throw it at the ground, or straight up.  I think we eventually lost that one under a drum set or something, but I can still make one.  It’s super easy as long as you’re accurate with your folds.

       First, fold paper in half lengthwise and unfold. (Pretty standard for most airplanes)  Second, you fold the first two steps of the elementary jet. (fold 2 corners to center, do it again)  Then, fold the top half down so the point is at the bottom and along the crease you made in the first step.  Fold the top layer in half back so the point lies on the line at the top; then unfold.  Fold top two corners to the center line, NOT flush with the line, but instead so the corners match and the edges rest on, but not below, the ends of the crease you made by folding the point up.  Then, fold the point back up.  Fold in half so the point is out, then make the wings.  I can’t give exact sizes on the wings, but fold them so they’re level with or below the bottom of the plane.  Tweak it so when it’s resting in your hand the wings go slightly up.  Confusing? I’ll have pictures soon, I promise.  I might also have a paper with fold lines and order numbers you can print.

       I call this design a Nakajet (hence the title of this post).  The elementary plane doesn’t have a name, but it’s a jet.  Combine that with Nakamura, and you’ve got Nakajet!

Again, sorry about pix, they're coming eventually.

CtheC

       Everyone needs to see the ocean at some point in their life.  I mean actually see it, not just pictures.  Pictures are great and all, but with the ocean, pictures mean nothing.  Especially if they're pictures of all those pristine beaches in Mexico or Australia.  That's not how the sea is; that's how travel agencies want you to think the sea is.  Don't go anywhere like that, seriously.  The "pristine" beaches get crowded because of their "pristine"-ness.  If you want to play in the surf, go ahead.  But at some point in your life, go somewhere else.  Maybe somewhere with tide pools.  I can't tell you about East Coastline, but I can say that Northern California, at least, can show you what the sea is really like.  You can't see the ocean as itself at Waikiki.
       If you haven't been to a place where the ocean speaks, and no one is there to interrupt; where waves crash against rocks like they have for millennia; where whole worlds live at your feet; where the pristine blue ocean shows its true colors. . . find that place.
       Go.

Pumpkin Patch

       1040 pumpkins.  That's how many are at our church's annual pumpkin patch.  We (the youth group + a bunch of adults) had to unload these 1040 pumpkins last Saturday.  The giant truck containing them took up the length of our parking lot, and almost hit a silver VW bug backing in!  We had 3 wagons and a couple of wheelbarrows, but they were mainly for the small ($2 size or less) pumpkins.  Once we got to the big ones, we had to get a sort of bucket line going.  The really big ones were still transported by wagon, though.  The line disintegrated more than once, often when there was a delay of more than a few seconds between pumpkins.  They were placed all around the church steps and lawn, and this wooden trailer we get every year.  Once the trailer got there, the truck had to move around to the front of the church so that our line could get to the lawn.
       There were pumpkins of every shape and size.  Anyone who got a really heavy one had to warn the next person by saying, and I quote this directly, "Heavy!"  I started also saying "heavier than it looks!" because there are some green ones (I'm not sure if they're pumpkins or just gourds) that don't look heavy, but are solid or something.  A lot heavier than they look.
        We sell them by size - smallest are tiny, only 25 cents; the largest can be up to $20!  The $20 ones are the ones that were loaded onto the wagons.
        It can wear you out, passing pumpkin after pumpkin to a person, even in our zigzag bucket line (easier on your back than when everyone faces the same way).  Regardless of the fact that it's Monday and I'm still sore, it was really fun seeing all these pumpkins.

P.S. Apparently this computer won't let me upload images right now; when it does, I'll upload some pix of the patch that I took.  I didn't get any of the unloading day, anyway, though.