I know this is a bit long, but posting it one story at a time also wasn't working.
We
will start our program tonight with a flood of poodles in Seattle,
Washington. The poodles came from far
and wide, some even rumored to have come from Texas. One in particular had a distinct
Redneckistanian accent, but tried not to show it. The poodles that came from the ocean decided to
grow fish tails and live in the Everglades.
But the rest of the poodles seemed dazed, just hanging around until
someone came to take them to a poodle shelter in Kansas. The Kansans liked the poodles, and they soon
had all found good homes.
Meanwhile,
those in Southern Florida found polar bear fur on the teeth and scales of alligators
in the Everglades. The polar bears were
thought to have escaped from the zoo, since there wasn’t anywhere else for
polar bears to come from and survive the exposure to the heat. However, it is unclear how the polar bears
fell prey to the alligators, since it seems more likely the alligators would be
eaten by the bears. There is a suspect
in the case, who is thought to have shot the bears down. The man, Howard McGoo, will be arrested for
bringing a gun into a national park and shooting animals that were obvious zoo
property. In a suspect lineup, the
remaining polar bear recognized McGoo immediately as the man who shot the
bear’s friends. McGoo will be facing 10
years in jail: 5 for the gun, and 5 for the bears.
In
Mongolia, all the cats ganged up and attacked a fire hydrant factory, so that
the dogs would slowly die out. However,
the cats failed to remember the hundreds of hydrants around the city, and so
failed in their quest to take over the world.
But really, who knows what their true quest is? Maybe they also want the universe. Or just want peace. Either way, to them, dogs have apparently got
to go.
Recently,
all the jackals in South Africa were forced to the tip of the continent by
angry farmers who were tired of the jackals stealing their livestock. The
jackals have been caged on one side, with knowledge that the only escape would
be to jump into the ocean. And everyone
knows that jackals can’t swim. But it
seems these jackals are trying to learn.
Yesterday, a boatman reported seeing one jackal pulling another out of
the water. The one in the water was
waterlogged and unconscious. Gates will
now have to be put around the water side of the tip of Africa, but the funds
will prevent this until someone sees a wet jackal crawling out of the ocean.
And
now, it’s time for the weather. Today
was sunny and raining. Yesterday was
raining, but the rain was made out of tree sap.
This is thought to be the result of many trees exploding after being
struck by lightning. Tomorrow, it is
expected to snow profusely, and the high will be around 70°. The day after that, the high will be 16° and the
low 45°. The snow from the previous day
will have frozen into ice, resulting in a slippery fun zone for the kids. Time to break out the ice skates!
A
pair of bears recently tried to raid a nudist colony. No one was hurt, except this one girl who had
her eyes closed and ran into a wall.
Everyone said they got a huge scare until they realized it was just a
bear and not the weird neighbor across the street. They were still scared, but not as much. The reasons for the bear attacking were
unclear, but it is thought that the bear simply couldn’t spell, and thought
that there was another “bare” in the building.
In
sports, the platypuses played basketball against the dolphins in the ocean
around Indonesia. The dolphins won, but
maybe the platypuses would have won on their home court. Also, hounds played ferals at wrestling in
the forest around the Sahara. Hounds won
in 9 of the 10 matches. In the 5th
match, the hound competing had to drop out of the competition for excessive
pre-game injuries. The hounds could not
find a replacement on such short notice, so had to forfeit to the ferals.
Our
last story is about a snake that terrorized townspeople in Prague. This snake escaped from its holding pen that
was rather stupidly placed next door to a nuclear reactor. The reactor has been slowly feeding the snake
for 11 years, and now the snake is the size of a 200-story building, and
breathes fire. I think it’s mad. We are now attempting to find some way to
tame this snake, without destroying the reactor. So far, no conclusion has been reached, but
we’ll think of something eventually! We
are working to keep the snake in Prague right now, so that it won’t terrorize
the rest of the world.
That’s
it for KENL news, so watch out for snakes and good night!
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