Wednesday, September 19, 2012

KENL News From Around the World

Man, I haven't posted in like a month and a half.  My new "schedule" isn't working very well...
I know this is a bit long, but posting it one story at a time also wasn't working.

We will start our program tonight with a flood of poodles in Seattle, Washington.  The poodles came from far and wide, some even rumored to have come from Texas.  One in particular had a distinct Redneckistanian accent, but tried not to show it.  The poodles that came from the ocean decided to grow fish tails and live in the Everglades.  But the rest of the poodles seemed dazed, just hanging around until someone came to take them to a poodle shelter in Kansas.  The Kansans liked the poodles, and they soon had all found good homes.
Meanwhile, those in Southern Florida found polar bear fur on the teeth and scales of alligators in the Everglades.  The polar bears were thought to have escaped from the zoo, since there wasn’t anywhere else for polar bears to come from and survive the exposure to the heat.  However, it is unclear how the polar bears fell prey to the alligators, since it seems more likely the alligators would be eaten by the bears.  There is a suspect in the case, who is thought to have shot the bears down.  The man, Howard McGoo, will be arrested for bringing a gun into a national park and shooting animals that were obvious zoo property.  In a suspect lineup, the remaining polar bear recognized McGoo immediately as the man who shot the bear’s friends.  McGoo will be facing 10 years in jail: 5 for the gun, and 5 for the bears.
In Mongolia, all the cats ganged up and attacked a fire hydrant factory, so that the dogs would slowly die out.  However, the cats failed to remember the hundreds of hydrants around the city, and so failed in their quest to take over the world.  But really, who knows what their true quest is?  Maybe they also want the universe.  Or just want peace.  Either way, to them, dogs have apparently got to go.
Recently, all the jackals in South Africa were forced to the tip of the continent by angry farmers who were tired of the jackals stealing their livestock. The jackals have been caged on one side, with knowledge that the only escape would be to jump into the ocean.  And everyone knows that jackals can’t swim.  But it seems these jackals are trying to learn.  Yesterday, a boatman reported seeing one jackal pulling another out of the water.  The one in the water was waterlogged and unconscious.  Gates will now have to be put around the water side of the tip of Africa, but the funds will prevent this until someone sees a wet jackal crawling out of the ocean.
And now, it’s time for the weather.  Today was sunny and raining.  Yesterday was raining, but the rain was made out of tree sap.  This is thought to be the result of many trees exploding after being struck by lightning.  Tomorrow, it is expected to snow profusely, and the high will be around 70°.  The day after that, the high will be 16° and the low 45°.  The snow from the previous day will have frozen into ice, resulting in a slippery fun zone for the kids.  Time to break out the ice skates!
A pair of bears recently tried to raid a nudist colony.  No one was hurt, except this one girl who had her eyes closed and ran into a wall.  Everyone said they got a huge scare until they realized it was just a bear and not the weird neighbor across the street.  They were still scared, but not as much.  The reasons for the bear attacking were unclear, but it is thought that the bear simply couldn’t spell, and thought that there was another “bare” in the building.
In sports, the platypuses played basketball against the dolphins in the ocean around Indonesia.  The dolphins won, but maybe the platypuses would have won on their home court.  Also, hounds played ferals at wrestling in the forest around the Sahara.  Hounds won in 9 of the 10 matches.  In the 5th match, the hound competing had to drop out of the competition for excessive pre-game injuries.  The hounds could not find a replacement on such short notice, so had to forfeit to the ferals.
Our last story is about a snake that terrorized townspeople in Prague.  This snake escaped from its holding pen that was rather stupidly placed next door to a nuclear reactor.  The reactor has been slowly feeding the snake for 11 years, and now the snake is the size of a 200-story building, and breathes fire.  I think it’s mad.  We are now attempting to find some way to tame this snake, without destroying the reactor.  So far, no conclusion has been reached, but we’ll think of something eventually!  We are working to keep the snake in Prague right now, so that it won’t terrorize the rest of the world.
That’s it for KENL news, so watch out for snakes and good night!